Hurt
by J24fan7
Summary: Kim reflects on her thoughts and feelings about the last time she saw Jack... Spoilers for Season 5!
1. Chapter 1

This is just an idea I thought of after I heard the song 'Hurt' by Christina Aguilera. It's sort of a song fic but you'll understand once you've read it ;-)!

It does contain some spoilers for season 5 of 24, so be warned. All the rest are just made up by me! ;-). Hope you like it...

Kim entered her flat and threw her car keys on the table. Working at CTU again was taking its toll on her body. She turned on the lights and the clock on her microwave caught her eye… 02:30. It had been a crazy day at the office.

She sighed as she put on the kettle and turned on the television "The terrorists has been caught and we assure you that they will be brought to justice for what they've done" Kim turned the volume down and only President Wayne Palmer's picture was moving in the screen now. He looked satisfied and relieved. Kim smiled as she took off her shoes and unhooked the clip which was holding her hair together, then fell onto the couch. She figured that this was the reason she went back there. The feeling that they rid America of enemies and the innocent was protected… and she was a part of that. Yes, that was the only reason… she looked at the roof… and perhaps the fact that you get addicted to the feeling that you can make a difference in this country, definitely something that was passed on to her by her father- Jack Bauer.

She sighed again… or was she back at CTU because she felt the closest to him there? Even though there were bad memories, there were many good ones too, from when they had worked together. She sat up as the kettle went off. She forced herself to stop making excuses, "I miss him" she said. She walked to the kettle as she thought about the last time she had seen him; 8 months ago, what she had said to him "Goodbye, Dad". Was that it? Will she ever see him again? "Ow… damn it" she said out loud. She had spilled a bit of the hot water on her hand. She quickly dried it and continued to make her coffee.

She remembered how she wanted to call him the next day, to find out if she hadn't been dreaming and wanted to apologize to him but CTU beat her to it, calling to tell her that he had disappeared, possibly kidnapped by terrorists. She felt the world shatter around her like the day that Tony and Michelle showed up to tell her that he had died. She had her chance to see him again… 'back from the dead' and she wasted it. He was gone from her life again.

She took the cup and went to sit at the kitchen table. She knew she wouldn't be able to sleep now. She couldn't stop thinking about him… how guilty she felt. What if that WAS it? She could never forgive herself, why did she have to be so selfish?

Her phone rang. "What the-?" she asked, wondering who could be calling at this hour. "Hello?" she answered "Kim. It's Chloe. Sorry to bother you, but you won't forget the letter that you need to write for me, will you? For the file on Gary Davis. I won't be able to get to it" came Chloe's voice. Kim rolled her eyes "No, Chloe. You've asked me a hundred times and I've said I'll do it. Don't worry" Kim replied. She heard Chloe let out a breath of relief and couldn't help but smile. "Okay, thanks. Good work today" said Chloe "You don't need to compliment me, Chloe. I assure you that it will be the best letter 'you've' ever written" Kim said and took a sip of her coffee. Chloe smiled "No. I know you're a good writer, that's why I asked you. I mean it, though; you did great in today's crisis. It's good to have you back" she said "Thanks, Chloe" "See you on Wednesday?" "Yeah, see you" said Kim and they hung up. She looked at the phone and smiled. Chloe hadn't changed one bit… well, she was a little friendlier than she used to be.

Talking about writing a letter made her think of something Barry once told her. She realized thought that he was a little too serious about life and she didn't really feel anything for him… at the time she just needed a good friend and she had to admit that he wasn't her type at all. But at least their relationship didn't end up in shattered glass when she broke it off and she still called him once and again if she needed to talk. But she couldn't talk about this. She had to deal with this on her own. Barry told her that if she wanted to deal with her feelings she should try writing it on paper. He instructed her to write a letter to Chase after the break-up in which she should write down everything that she wanted him to know, even though he'd never read it. She didn't do it, because she already told Barry everything that she wanted Chase to know. But who will she tell now? She took another sip of her coffee as she stood up to get a piece of paper and a pen.

She sat down at the table again and put her cup aside. She closed her eyes as she took the pen, opened it and wrote; _Dad_. She sat back in the chair "This is stupid" she said as she covered her face with her hands. Then she crossed her arms, looking at the paper. She knew that she had to face her feelings somehow. She sat up again pulling the paper closer. She thought about what she was feeling right now and started to write again…

_Seems like it was yesterday, when I saw your face._

_You told me how proud you were, but I walked away._

She looked up. So he didn't say it out loud but she could see it in his eyes, she knew the look when he'd tell her that he was proud and she could see that he still loved her, she knew it, but she just couldn't admit to it or give him a chance to say it. At the time she felt betrayed because it felt like everyone had know that he was still alive except for her- his daughter. She was stubborn and felt angry and didn't want him to think that saying he loved her will just fix everything- so he shouldn't say it at all… how stupid she was for thinking that, because he did do it to protect her, as everyone who knew ended up dead, except for Chloe. And she never thought about how HE must've felt, out there on his own and away from all his friends and… Audrey. Surely he didn't CHOOSE for that to happen. But she wasn't thinking rationally.

She'll never forget the look on his face after they talked for the first time in 18 months and she asked him to leave. It wasn't her intention to hurt him. She just wanted him out of the room because she knew that she wouldn't be able to keep all her feelings in tact any longer and she didn't want him to see her cry.

She was biting the back of her pen as the memories of that day flushed back, she continued writing…

_If only I knew, what I know today. I would hold you in my arms. I would take the pain away. Thank you for all you've done, forgive all your mistakes. There's nothing I wouldn't do, to hear your voice again. Sometimes I want to call you, but I know you won't be there._

Kim felt sad as she wrote the last sentence, 'Where could he be?' She drifted from the letter as she thought about the crazy time in her life after he 'died'. It had been a tough year for her. She and Chase broke up, she felt like she had no-one left and even thought of committing suicide, though she could never bring herself to do it. She couldn't find a job because she never felt in the mood to work anyway- for what? Until finally Miriam Henderson realized that Kim was falling into a depression and gave her Barry's number. It helped but she still felt lost and like she didn't have the courage to doing anything, because she was afraid she'd fail. It all started when Jack died. So seeing him –alive- made her angry at first because all the pain and doubt she went through could've been prevented if he just told her that he was alive- maybe then, Chase wouldn't have blamed her for not opening up to him and they wouldn't have fought so much.

But it wasn't Jack's fault. She, unfortunately, had the habit for shutting people out when she was going through a hard time, especially when it came to losing a loved one. Chase was right; she didn't open up to him, because she didn't WANT to. Talking about it would've made Jack's death so… official… and she didn't have the strength to deal with that. She wrote again…

_I'm sorry for, blaming you. For everything, I just couldn't do_

_And I've hurt myself, by hurting you _

Kim remembered the day she first went back to CTU, she tried to forget the fact that her father used to work there and she wanted to put her feelings aside but… she couldn't, she couldn't help to feel guilty every time she glanced at the field opts. office, and working there made her miss Chase too, even though she didn't want to admit it. She was reminded every day of what she lost, but found a way to live with her mistakes. 'Would he forgive my mistakes?' she thought as she looked out the window onto the city lights.

_Some days I feel broke inside, but I won't admit_.

Kim sat up straight again, taking the last sip of her coffee. She couldn't admit it. She was fine, she had to be. She wanted to be stronger because she didn't want to have to go to a shrink to tell her that 'she's worth it' and how to get back on her feet. She needed to be dependable on herself. But would he think less of her if she did break down? Would he love her less if she told him how she really felt, if she was scared? Kim didn't know. She just wrote, wishing she could somehow hear a reply…

_Sometimes I just wanne hide, cause it's you I miss._

_And it's so hard to say goodbye, when it comes to this?_

Kim looked at the television again. Wayne was leaving the press now and heading back to the white house. WAS it goodbye? She won't be able to say goodbye again, not yet. 'He has to be all right. Wherever he is' she thought. She was so angry when it was revealed that President Logan was a traitor and Chloe told her that he forced Jack to fake his death while it wasn't even necessary.

Again, it was never Jack's fault. Why wouldn't she just listen? He tried to explain it to her, that he did it to protect her… but she refused to believe that. He did it to prevent her from getting hurt, but in her eyes, she still got hurt because she had thought that he was gone forever, she never tried looking past the hurt and betrayal to just hear him out. But he didn't get angry. He didn't try to convince her other wise… probably because she barely gave him a chance to. Kim bit her lip, remembering when he said that the most painful thing for him had been to walk away from her… she almost gave in to that, but was it true?

_Would you tell me I was wrong. __Would you help me understand. __Are you looking down upon me, are you proud of who I am_

Kim stopped as she slammed the pen on the table. "No, he can't be dead. He's fine, he just has to be alive" she said. She rubbed her eyes. The feelings she was suppose to write was turning into her fears… "Suppose it doesn't matter, it's just a letter" she said "Which he'll never read anyway" she added pulling her one leg up to her chest as she tried to hold back the tears that was threatening to fall. Oh how she wished that she could see him just one more time, to explain, talk… spend that one day that he requested. She swallowed as she took the pen.

_There's nothing I wouldn't do. To have just one more chance. To look into your eyes, and see you looking back _

Kim felt a tear trickling down her cheek and she couldn't hold back any more, she let the tears fall freely. She felt completely helpless and she needed him to know that she loved him and that she didn't blame him anymore.

_I'm sorry for blaming you. For everything, I just couldn't do. __And I've hurt myself _

A tear dropped onto the paper and distracted Kim. Her eyes felt heavy as she dried them as much as she can. Maybe if she talked to Audrey. Would she understand, was she missing him just as much? "I have to believe that he's okay and that I'll get a chance to tell him everything" Kim encouraged herself.

_If I had just one more day. I would tell you how much that I've missed you since you've been away. It's dangerous, so out of line… to try and turn back time_

Kim finally dried all her tears. If only she could turn back the time, but she knew it was impossible. She took out her diary, and looked for a picture of the two of them which was taken when they both worked at CTU. She found it as she reached for a tissue too. "We actually looked happy" she said. She never thought that they would recover from losing her mom, but they did, the best they could "And now I've messed it up again" she said and glanced towards the paper. She came to the conclusion that there was nothing more she could say except… that she was sorry, and she prayed for him to be okay so that she could get the chance to tell HIM…

_I'm sorry for blaming you. For everything, I just couldn't do. __And I've hurt myself, by hurting you _

R&R pls


	2. Chapter 2

Kim was sleeping when her phone rang. It kept ringing... she stirred a little and groaned "If it's not important they'll hang up" she thought to herself. It was still ringing "All right, all right" she finally said and turned around on her back reaching for the phone next to her bed "Hello?" she answered struggling to open her eyes. "Kim. It's Chloe-" "Oh you've got to be kidding me. Chloe it's my day off" said Kim interrupting her "I know, I know. I'm sorry but... there's a huge crisis going on here at CTU and I'm going to need your help" Chloe replied. "Why? You have the agents that's supposed to be there today" "Yes we have agents but they don't have your experience and I'm much more comfortable working with you in this kind of situation" said Chloe. Kim sighed "I don't-" "Kim PLEASE just come… trust me on this" said Chloe "What's happening?" Kim asked "We may have a bomb threat and we're going to have agents on he ground so I need the absolute best people in here to run satellite and co-ordinate live feed" said Chloe. Kim sat up in her bed "Fine. I'll be there in 15 minutes" "Thank you" said Chloe and hung up. Kim ran her hands through her hair as she glanced at her watch, 07:09. "Great"

"Who was that?" asked Morris as he walked up to Chloe. "Kim Bauer" "But it's her day off, isn't it?" "Yes… she's not coming in for work" "What are you talking about?" asked Morris. "The rescue operation on Jack Bauer was a success. He's landing here in about 5 minutes" said Chloe smiling. Morris looked at her confused "How did they find him?" "The two men that the Chinese paid to get something from Jack 2 months ago, came clean. They gave up Jack's location and Bill alerted the President right away" "So… they're just letting him go- the Chinese?" asked Morris "Well it took a lot of dealing and negotiating but yes… the President paid a big price to get Jack back and I guess the Chinese realized that Jack just wasn't going to co-operate so they might as well take the deal" said Chloe. "Why would the President do that?" asked Morris "Because Jack has already done so much for this country I guess. I'm not sure what his reasons are but I'm glad because it's about time that the country did something for Jack in return" said Chloe "I mean think about it… if it wasn't for Jack, Logan might still be president right now" she added. Morris nodded in agreement "Good point. So why not just tell Kim that her father's back?" he asked "I think it will just be better if she get here first and then I tell her so that she can see him right away" said Chloe.


	3. Chapter 3

"Jack I'm so sorry for everything you had to go through" said Bill as they walked into the CTU building after Jack had cleaned up. Jack was still being very quiet "It's okay, Bill. It wasn't your fault" he finally replied without looking at him. They stopped in the hallway "I'll understand if you want to leave right now but, we have to debrief you and you'll have to tell us-"

"I know how this works, Bill. I'll wait. It's not as though I have anywhere else to be anyway" said Jack. Bill looked at Jack at a loss for words. He just really didn't know what else to say "All right. You can go and wait in my office while we set everything up" said Bill.

Jack nodded and Bill left after offering Jack a small smile "You're okay now, Jack. It's good to have you back" said Curtis coming from behind and patting Jack on the back "Thanks" said Jack softly, still not really making any eye contact with anyone. Curtis followed Bill. Jack watched them leave _"Now what?"_ he thought. He felt unwelcome, out of place and unsafe in the very place he used to call his second home.

He sighed as he leaned against the wall sliding down until he was resting his arms on his knees. He closed his eyes, hoping that this wasn't a dream and that he really was safe now, but his thoughts got interrupted by a voice "Jack?" he quickly opened his eyes to see… Chloe. She struggled to keep a smile on her face, feeling awkward as Jack stood up saying; "Chloe" and he managed a small smile "It's good to see you" he added. She nodded "It's great to see you too. Are you okay?" she asked before she could stop herself "Well I've been better but… I guess I'm relieved to be back" said Jack.

Chloe closed her eyes "Of course, I know, I'm sor-" "Chloe, stop" Jack interrupted her "It's really okay" he said. Chloe just bit her lip "How's everyone been?" Jack asked "You mean how has Kim and Audrey been?" she asked once again before thinking. She could see the pain in his eyes as he heard their names. He looked down and swallowed "Yeah… how are they?" he asked looking up again trying to be strong.

"Well Audrey's still working with her father and I'm not sure where she is today and-" "How did she deal with me disappearing again?" Jack asked carefully "Um… she was really shocked and tried finding you for a long time but her father finally convinced her to join him and go back to DC" said Chloe "She hasn't dated anyone since you've been gone, or… so I hear. She never came here again after what happened" she added. Jack just nodded "So her dad made a full recovery?" "Yes… yes he's fine" said Chloe. Jack was now quiet and he looked at the floor again

"And uh… Kim? Is… is she all right?" he asked. "Yes. She's doing just fine and she-" "That's all I needed to know. That she's okay" said Jack smiling. "But don't you want to know ab-" "No. she made it clear that she didn't want to be a part of my life anymore. Probably the wisest decision she's ever made…and it wouldn't be fair of me to go behind her back and spy on her personal life so… I just needed to know that she's okay" said Jack. Chloe swallowed.

What if she had made a mistake calling Kim? Maybe it would be too painful for Jack to see her… she never thought about what he would feel. "All right… a little good news though, she dumped Barry" said Chloe. Jack smiled "Whatever makes her happy" he said. "I've got to get back to work" said Chloe and started stepping back "Sure" replied Jack "I'll see you around" he added and Chloe just nodded and headed back to her desk fast.

She had to stop Kim from coming. She had to let Jack know about it first and let him get used to the idea. She quickly picked up her phone and dialed Kim's cell phone. She stood up straight and her expression turned to shock… "Too late" she said as she put the phone down again slowly.

Kim had just entered the building. Luckily Jack was already on his way into Bill's office.


	4. Chapter 4

Kim walked up to her station and logged on with her CTU ID. "Kim? What are you doing here?" asked a girl named Elaine. "I'm here as the extra help" "Extra help for what? We're not that busy today, just a bunch of filing to do… I thought you had the day off?" "I did but-" Kim looked around "You sure there's nothing major going on today?" "Positive" "And the staff for today is enough?" "Definitely" said Elaine with a smile "Right, okay thanks" said Kim and got up as she saw Chloe who was heading to the bathroom. Kim followed her until she was inside the bathroom "What is going on?" Kim asked as she entered the room

"Oh. Hey Kim. Good to see you made it" said Chloe "WHY did you call me in for today? There's nothing major happening… you call 'filing' an emergency?" Kim asked. "Who told yo-" "Elaine. Chloe just spill it. Why did you need me to come to CTU?" Kim asked interrupting her. "All right fine. It's personal" she finally said "Personal?" asked Kim now crossing her arms "Yes… um, you see uh…" Chloe was now fidgeting with her hands "Morris and I are having problems and I was hoping that I can maybe talk to you about that" said Chloe "And we couldn't talk about that on the phone?" Kim said but then closed her eyes and shook her head while raising her one hand "Never mind that. I know you're lying, you and Morris were fine yesterday" said Kim.

Then another woman came in "Oh here you are, we need your help in prepping for Jack Bauer" said Susan looking at Chloe. Kim had turned to look at her talking and Chloe was now shutting her eyes tight as she bit her lip. Kim was looking at Susan in shock, her mouth a little open. "Wha-what do you mean, prep for Jack Bauer?" she asked "Bill wants to debrief him before we let him go" "You mean he's here?" Kim asked.

Susan half laughed "Yeah" she said. "By the way Susan, Kim is Jack's daughter" said Chloe. Susan's smile half-faded but was right back again as she looked at Kim "Oh, well you must be so excited. He's in Bill's office. We won't be ready for him for at least 20 minutes if you want to see him" said Susan "Yeah thanks, Susan. I'll handle it" Chloe said. "Okay, but we need you now" said Susan as she left.

Kim was now looking at the floor, her eyes had gotten a little teary. "So you call me, because he's here. Now I'm here and you DON'T want me to see him… help me understand this, Chloe" said Kim looking up. "It's just… I wasn't sure if you were quite ready to see him" "Then why did you call me?" Kim asked looking confused.

Chloe didn't know what to say so Kim broke the silence again "How did they find him?" she asked. "It's a long story" said Chloe. Kim nodded slowly and then suddenly turned to the mirror, wiping her eyes and flipping her long wavy hair behind her shoulders. "Well you heard her, go help with the prepping" said Kim as she turned to the door and started leaving "Kim, where are you going?" asked Chloe. Kim stopped with her hand in the door knob "Why don't you take a guess" she said opening the door "Just take it easy on him okay? He's not himself" said Chloe and Kim stopped for a second… then she bit her lip and continued leaving. Chloe sighed, she just hoped that Jack wouldn't be TOO mad at her.

Kim was walking down the long hallway slowly. At first she was in a hurry, more excited then anything until she thought of what she could say… and that was when her pace had slowed down. She reached the end of the hallway and decided to lean against the wall for a second.

On the one hand she wanted to just run up there, hug him and tell him how sorry she was and on the other hand… she had no idea HOW she would do that and if he even wanted to see her, after the way she treated him the last time she saw him. She sighed and got up straight "Come on, Kim. It's just your dad… why is this so hard?" she thought to herself as her feet started to take her up the stairs.

"Just be yourself… be normal… be…" but her thoughts drifted off as she finally came to the top of the stairs and she saw him through the glass window. She felt nervous… a feeling resembling the one she had when she was telling him about Chase. He was sitting on a couch browsing through a file with his back to her. She breathed out slowly "Okay" she said softly as she placed her hand on the door…

As she entered the room, Jack stood up, expecting to see Bill "Bill, I was wondering if it would be possible if I …" Jack trailed off as he turned around to see Kim. She half smiled as she let the door go and it closed softly. Jack just looked at her and swallowed.

Kim felt her eyes sting again "Hi, Dad" she said softly. Jack managed a half smile "Hey" he said and he put the file down on Bill's desk then turned back to her "What are you doing here?" he asked. Kim smiled as she let out a half-laugh looking down "I'm working here again… it felt like the right thing to do" she said looking up. "I see" said Jack "Did you know I was coming back?" "No" Kim answered "Actually it was my day off today" she said. Jack smiled, in a way feeling wanted… had she come here just for him? "So how have you been?" he asked. It felt awkward talking to her as though she was a stranger, though.

Kim smiled at first, about to say 'fine', but she had to be honest "Not that great" she said. Jack looked at her confused and opened his mouth to say something but she interrupted him "Dad I…" she trailed off looking away as tears were starting to cloud her view "The past couple of months I've been hoping to see you just once… so that I can tell you how sorry I am" she said her voice now breaking a little.

Jack just looked at her, not sure what he was supposed to do "Kim you don't have to say that you're sor-" "Yes I do" she said interrupting him and looking back at him "You didn't have a choice… the Chinese forced you I know that now. I had no right to be angry with you" she said. Jack swallowed again "I lied to you... I didn't even give you a warning I just disappeared. That wasn't fair either" said Jack now stepping a little closer, yet keeping a distance. Kim looked at him as a tear finally escaped her eye… she didn't care anymore, she could finally be herself again and be honest with him… he wouldn't think less of her. "I could've been more understanding and… Dad can you ever forgive me for the horrible things I said to you?" she said as her voice broke again and more tears fell down her cheeks "Sweetie" said Jack now narrowing the distance and hugging Kim, also feeling his own eyes burn a little "Honey there's nothing to forgive" he said softly as he placed his one hand behind her head, the way he always used to before he 'died'.

Kim couldn't help but smile… it felt like old times again. "But Dad I didn't mean it" she said as she hugged him back, reassuring herself that he was really there "Sweetheart it's all right" he said as they finally pulled apart "It's okay" he said again as he tucked her hair behind her ear. Kim sniffed softly as she looked down. Jack was rubbing her shoulder a little "I'm sorry" she said looking up again as she tried to stop crying and wiped her eyes. Jack smiled "It's okay" he said softly "I just want you to know that I would never do anything to deliberately hurt you" he said "I know… me neither. But it was just so crazy and I felt confused and with the gas released in CTU I… just couldn't think straight" she said. "I didn't blame you for your decision" said Jack. Kim let out a shaky breath "I didn't mean to hurt you, I'm sorry" "Stop saying that" Jack said wiping away a tear. Kim smiled "How about you? Are you okay, I mean… what did they want from you?" Kim asked. Jack felt a horrible feeling running through him at the mere thought of his mind traveling back there but he shook it off quickly looking at Kim, it was over and he simply had to forget about it. He couldn't have his daughter think he was weak "It doesn't matter. I'm here now and I'm never leaving again" he said. Kim smiled "Promise?" she said laughing, this made Jack smile, hearing her laugh again "Promise" he replied softly

"Good… I did mean two other things that I said, though" "I'm listening" said Jack "One- I'm happy that you're alive and two…" she smiled as she hugged him again "I love you, Dad" Jack was surprised at first, not because it was coming from Kim, but because he hasn't heard anyone say that to him while he was captured, he never had the chance to say it to anyone… he had no idea how much it really meant to him until now.

He smiled as he hugged her back "I love you too" he said feeling, good. A feeling he thought would be lost to him forever… he had his daughter back after thinking that she would never forgive him. They pulled apart "What about Audrey? I know that she'd want to see you, Dad" said Kim smiling broadly.

"Maybe it'll be best if I let her move on" said Jack "No… Dad…that's just it… she hasn't moved on and she still loves you Dad. I know she does" said Kim. Jack looked away "Just give me time to think about it, okay? I'm not sure I'm ready to see her just yet… I let her down too" "But it wasn't your fault and she KNOWS that. You've gotta call her, Dad" Jack looked at Kim and finally nodded "I will, um… but for now, when I'm done. Let's just go home and… talk" said Jack smiling. "Okay" said Kim "Okay" Jack replied "Jack, we're ready for you" said Bill as he entered the office "Kim, how did you know?" he asked looking at her.

Kim smiled "Chloe" she simply said. Bill returned the smile "Right, of course. We'll be in the situation room" said Bill and left. Jack nodded and turned to Kim "I love you" he said again and kissed Kim's forehead before leaving. "I love you too" she said and he smiled as he exited the office.

She watched the door close, almost afraid to let him go… "Everything will be okay now" she said to herself as she closed her eyes. They had gotten a second chance and she was going to make it count… starting by doing her father a favor… she took out her cell phone and pressed speed dial 7. After all she considered her a friend, they had grown a little closer after Jack disappeared again, and friends don't lie to each other. The name appeared on her screen… Audrey Raines.


End file.
